Back At It

I'm pretty sure that I used to be pretty good at not doomscrolling. 
Lately, it's like I don't even try. When did I stop caring? 

I feel lame that I'm writing about this again. It's overdone. I think to myself, why I am I still talking about this? ...And I think that's why I gave up. 

Because I felt like it was more embarrassing to try again and still be talking about it than to stop trying at all. 

I don't know what's so appealing about it. I know that I'm looking for something new and engaging that will make me feel happy instantly. But it's not guaranteed in the videos that come up, so what I'm really doing is spending a lot of time searching and eventually I take too long and I don't like that I'm not settled yet. 

I know that most of the time I would prefer to be invested in a story, then after an hour instead of still feeling displaced and unproductive, I've read a decent chunk of book or finished an episode of TV and finished a story that I enjoyed. My hands might have been free so I could have worked or knitted as well and I would have loved that.
I don't let myself do that often enough though, because I want it to be better. If I watch TV, I want to multitask, so I can't be in bed or undressed or whatever else. I'll watch something short and in my mind that's ten minutes but then it hasn't give me what I'm looking for and I'm not magically better and able to get up so I keep searching, now I'm doomscrolling and it's been the length of an episode or two. I could have compromised and just watched the TV instead of multitasking while doing it and then at least by now I'd feel settled and fulfilled maybe accomplished and grounded. But I didn't do that, I've lost more time now. I feel worse and I'm sitting in loss. 

Today I've set up an automation on my phone which I hope will help; after twenty minutes on my crutch app, my TV app will automatically open. Ideally, my current show will automatically play but hopefully just getting me in the app will remind me that this is better in the long run. 

Recently, I'm actually feeling tired of screens and TV, but I think the best way to get me off my phone right now is to get me off my worst and favourite app. I need to fight some of this inside the phone, otherwise the bridge is just too far to jump.

When I feel like this, like I never want to hold my phone again and live completely without it, I itch to delete these problem apps. But time again, past me teaches me that future me will reinstall and then there will be no helpful automations set up. I think right now, this is my best way to work with her through small steps and gradual changes until one day we're on the same page.